happily ever after

Today is Valentines Day. To most people this is a day to share love, to give gifts and to be happy. Don't get me wrong I am all about it. I decorate, I bake buy desserts, give gifts and wear red. But I also remember my AmAzInG Grandma who passed away on Valentines day seven years ago. She battled diabetes for her adult life. She had many medical issues but this woman never ever waivered on her love for the Lord. She was a true testament to what having Faith means. She became a widow at 34 and raised three teenagers by herself. She perservered and she came out on top. She was so special to me. I never met my father's parents and since her husband died so young she was the only grandparent that I ever met. She was so giving, so caring and so spiritual. She kept our family together and she made us appreciate what we had. The day she passed away I was shopping at the mall, getting some adorable shoes and getting ready for Valentines day. My wedding was 4 months away and I was living in la la bride land. We got a call that my grandma was headed to the hospital because she suffered what they thought was a stroke. I remember my mom driving fast home, and I kept telling her she would be fine. She had been to the hospital so many times, and it was always something that they fixed and sent her home. This time though, I felt it was different. We arrived and they told us that this was it for her, she wouldn't be the same. We were sent in alone to say goodbye. I went alone. I cried, I held her hand, and I sobbed. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. She looked so perfect. My family stayed the night with her until she finally took her last breath. It was around 5 am. We all knew that she had went to heaven to dance with her Valentine. I was home watching Finding Nemo and sobbing. The next few months were rough. I dove into wedding planning and not dealing with my grief. Two months after she passed I was offered a baptism from our pastor as part of our pre marriage counseling. I declined, I was mad. I was so angry that the Lord had taken someone that meant the world to me. I was driving a few weeks later and I heard a song, it was about being baptized (quiet whispers) and I listened. I was baptized that following Sunday. I stood in the water with a microphone and I gave my testament. I told the church about how angry I was, how hurt I was, but also how thankful I was. Thankful that I was able to know such a loving person for twenty years, thankful that the Lord blessed me with a family that loved me so much. It was the one thing I needed to grieve. I got married two months after that. I remembered my grandma by using her cake topper from her wedding on my cake. It was hard to not have her there, but I knew she was dancin in Heaven and eating tons of cake.  Life went on, I never didn't think of her, the first Christmas was hard, the first anniversary was hard. When I became pregnant with Chloe I knew that one day I wanted to be even half of the women that she was as a mom and a grandma. We picked out tons of names, and the second they layed that perfect baby on my chest and asked what's her name, I knew. It was Chloe Jeanne'. She would be named after someone who meant the world to me, I remember when my mom came in to meet her and asked what her name was, we both sobbed when I told her.
Today it has been seven years, and it is harder this year. I think that time does not heal, it makes it harder. I am sad that she never got to meet my girls, I am sad that she couldn't watch me get married, I am sad that she isn't here for me to just stop by and take her to lunch. But when I feel this way, I remind myself. I am glad she doesn't have to sit through dialysis three times a week, I am glad she doesn't have to watch every single thing she eats, I am glad she doesn't have to take shots all day long and her body is healed.
I took my girls to see her today. Chloe is old enough to understand what we are talking about, she knows that Grandma Nay is in heaven and that we are sad for that, but are happy that we get to go and remember her. I will always tell my girls stories about her and I will always miss her. But I will always be thankful that I got to know her. xoxo

My babies and I

My mom and my girls