I'm Changing

Where do I start this whining post about being a mom? So B went out of town on Monday for work and this happens a few times a year so I should be used to it right? Well I am not. This last week Lily had quite a rough few days, she is probably just teething but she had a fever for a few days and was extra clingy. I was so exhausted from being up for three days with her that by the time Brandon left Monday morning I was already wishing he was home. I am a wuss. But I told myself that I could do it and I would. Well then Chloe decided to be a four year old and give Lily a drink out of her cup. Which should be fine, but for some reason I lost it. I yelled, I screamed, and I am pretty sure I locked her in her room. I know that sounds horrible but sometimes she needs to be alone and doesn't agree with us, and we have to send her to her room. So after I calmed down, she came out and within minutes she had a "headache" now, I have never heard her say this before and she was pretty upset. I never even realized that maybe what had just happened had something to do with this.  I called Brandon's hotel room bawling. I was so upset that both kids were sick, that I was alone, and that as a mom I should be able to handle these types of things. Why couldn't I? He is such a patient and understanding man. I am truly lucky. So he gives me some insight. Most likely she is needing attention from me, Lily has had me at her beckon call for the last few days because she was sick, so now she figured out how she could get me to hold her, to rock her, and to only pay attention to her. What a smart man I married. So I put Lily to bed, climbed in bed with Chloe and asked her. Did my yelling make her not feel good? The poor little girl looks at me and says Yes mom, it really hurts my feelings. I sunk inside. I grew up in a house where my dad yelled. All the time. he wasn't neccesarily mean, but he didn't know how to handle situations without screaming. I was chronically sick, I always had a stomach ache. My mom knew that it was because of the constant yelling at home. So here I am 26 years later and I am creating a home that is doing the same thing to my child. WHAT?! Why the hell would I act this way? I was so ashamed of myself  and that is when I broke down and bawled like a baby to Chloe. I promised her that I was done yelling at her and that I would change. Her big pure heart accepted my apology and held me tight.

The next day my parents came over to visit. My mom asked Chloe if she wanted to have a sleepover this weekend. Chloe told her that she was trying to earn her stickers so that she could. She then went on to tell my mom that her mom is "changing". My mom knew what took place and asked her what that meant, Chloe tells her that her mom isn't going to get mad at her ever again. So I guess that not only will I hold myself accountable, but so will my four year old. So here it is blogging world. My Yellibacy. I am done. If I catch myself doing it again, I am putting myself in time out. xoxo