happily ever after

I had quite an event this last week. As tomorrow being Mothers day I figured that this had everything to do with being a mommy. So ever since Miss Lil was born I had been having pain in my leg. Not both, not all the time but enough that I was nervous about it. I held it in, never told anyone and had this obsession with thinking about it all the time. So silly. I finally told myself that I had to see my doctor so I made an appointment and went in and she of course sent me into the hospital to have a doppler done. I knew this was going to happen and I was beyond nervous. I went, alone and made nervous chatter with the technician. I waited, and just knew she was going to find something. I prayed, oh did I pray. I said every prayer I could think of and I couldn't stop thinking of my kids. Finally she looks at me and says, " Normal, totally normal". I don't think she realized what this meant. I got so teary eyed and seriously wanted to hug her.

I drove back to my parents house were my kiddos were at. Brandon on the phone with me. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I finally told him how obsessed with this I had been. How I was scared to death that something was wrong with me and something could happen to me and I wouldn't be able to raise my kids. I hate this fear, but I had it. I think that fathers just don't know exactly how a mother can feel. I was sobbing. Once I got inside my parents house I saw my mom and crumbled. Like a child. She held me as I was chocking out the words. My poor little Chloe was standing there, jaw wide open, and her eyes filled with tears. I have never broken down in front of her before. but right then, I needed my mommy. I told her my fears and to my surprise she had felt the same way when I was a child. We talked about it for awhile, she reminded me of what my Faith is, how faithful the Lord is, and how fear is controlling and has nothing good in our lives.

I was relieved. I could finally put this fear away. There is nothing wrong. Thank you Lord. I was also finally able to talk to my close friends about this issue. Come to find out I am not alone. It was so refreshing to hear my friends tell me that they too are worried about not being around for their kids lives and that they often lay in bed at night and have the same fears. Why don't we talk about these things ladies?!? It was so nice to know that I am not alone and that this is normal. I wish that I hadn't let my pride get in the way of telling someone what I felt and made myself feel so isolated. I am blessed to have these women in my life and I am so blessed to be healthy.

This will be my fourth Mother's Day. I can't believe that I have two babies this year. Chloe made me a card on Friday afternoon but hasn't given it to me yet. Although she told me all about it, and keeps telling me Happy Muder's Day Mommy. I love her. These girls are so amazing. Every day I look at them, I smile and I understand that they depend on me to give them everything that they need. My mom was one of a kind. I can remember when she worked nights and I would go into her closet, take a sweatshirt and sleep with it, because it smelled like her, one time she took us to a park that had a tilt a whirl, she went on it with us like three times. Then she had to lay on a park bench because she couldn't drive us home, but she did it because we begged her too. She drove me to Utah and to Reno to watch a boy play basketball, she would tuck me in every night, she would leave work everytime to come get me at school when I was sick and she was never mad at me for it. I pretended a lot. She makes holidays so special, she keeps all our traditions, and never forgets the little things. She answers every single question that I have, from what celebrity married what celebrity, to every medical terminology there is. She is truly one of a kind.
My goal in life is to be like her, to be loving, to be patient and to truly be kind. Happy Mothers day to all the mothers in my life. You are all very special. xoxo